I’m so jealous of everyone and so I wish to kill them.

Hello! I am here once more to rant and scream silently into the void of endless communication.

And it’s about jealousy, again!

Come to think of it, this is probably one of my worst traits – I grow jealous extremely easily and harbour resentment against people simply because they excel in something I do not.

I realise that it’s not a healthy way to live, and thus of course I do my best to combat it and tell myself that I’m just great myself, and that no, other people’s achievements do not detract from the importance of my own – but it’s hard. Incredibly hard, sometimes.

It doesn’t help that I tend to hold myself to very high standards and demand something like perfection in everything I do. Honestly – I’ve gotten school essays back marked 23/25 and wanted to scream and hit people and smash things, just because 4 people in my class got 25 in that essay. It didn’t matter that I’d gotten consistently good marks before this, or that I hadn’t actually studied for more than about 30 minutes in a rush the night before. I was just hopelessly angry at myself for being imperfect and at the others for beating me.

Anyway, a girl I met through a school camp and stayed passively in touch with – thanks to the joys of many, mostly meaningless Facebook friends – has published a book online. Or, should I say, will have done that on December 1. The point is, I’ve nurtured a quiet, timid desire to write and publish my stories – and yes, I’ve daydreamed of being able to present people with a full novel, preferably a bound physical copy, and have them gape at me in awe. Sadly, I doubt this will happen. But this girl – Missa – has done that. She has submitted her story to competitions and written and written her heart out and balanced it with school and family and life in general and now she has a book to show for it. And she’ll even earn money from it.

It’s a strange feeling to watch someone succeed like that. No, it’s not success by everyone’s standards but it’s more than I’ve ever achieved. And so, of course, I was immediately on the alert, searching desperately for reasons why I was better than her, in whatever way.

Which is not at all good. In fact, it’s downright terrible.

We all do this to an extent – other people make us feel bad about ourselves so we try to rip them down. Obviously I do it a lot. I don’t want to, but I haven’t yet developed a means of coping that doesn’t involve insulting others. I’d love to find a new method, one that allowed me to appreciate others instead of hating them and locking myself into a box of miserable misanthropy.

I want to wear a pretty dress and think “Hey, her dress is nice too!” and not “Oh my god, her dress is nice. And her hair looks great. That means I’m awful and hideous. Oh look, at least she’s not as slim as me/her makeup looks strange/she can’t speak another language/anything that will make me look better in comparison.”

As many wise people have said, comparing yourself to others eats away at your self-confidence until there’s so little left you have to turn to ripping it forcibly from other people.

I don’t suppose anyone has any ideas for me, on fixing my toxic ways?

 

 

 

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