Dear Self: You’re 15, it’s OK that you’ve not got a true career yet. Also, sleep is awesome, you should get more of it.

I am the worst at writing posts, aren’t I? Oh well – I’m so tired that I first wrote this sentence as ‘it’s so tired’.

I want to go write a really well thought out and clearly explained post about jealousy, and accepting and loving and celebrating the hell out of yourself (coz YAY you are heaps awesome!) but I think it’s too late at the moment for me to write something that makes any sense at all, and I’d rather give this my full attention than my sleep-craving mind. It’s all about making the decision that is really the best. There’s another topic I want to talk about!

Often, I do things because I feel like it’s the only ‘right’ way to do it, and then I end up stressed and tired and generally in a bad condition, because I pushed myself too far or whatever. I’m slowly recognising that this behaviour, in the long run, is unhealthy and just overall not good.

I’m talking about things like forcing myself to stay up and finish some homework when it means that the next day I’m too tired to function properly. Or when I try to write fictional stories, relevant and sensible blog posts, long responses to emails from friends, careful advice and help to a different friend, two essays as homework, and a conversation in French, all on the same day. As well as doing my share of housework, cooking meals, staying fit, developing an actual hobby, finding a career…wait a second, you think. This is going a bit far. Because yes, it is.

I try to make myself do a million things every day – exercise, write this, write that, do this homework, whatever else – and if all I do is the basics – cleaning, cooking, homework, answering emails, holding conversations with people, getting ready for school – I beat myself up over not having gone out and made an effort for my future life. I want to be a writer, why did I not write a full short story today? Why not? What excuse do I have?

My excuse is here. My mental well-being.

It’s hard to only do ‘good’ things all day – you need a little downtime. And I should be able to let myself relax and not worry about not having a job to pursue after I finish school – I’m only 15, after all. It’s so ridiculous that I’m getting angry with myself for not making myself act like an adult yet.

It’s hard to say that though – I want to be writing and having people buy my books, but I don’t dedicate the time to it, how can I say I want to be a writer? I’m just some stupid teenager with big ideas.

Yes, that’s totally true.

But that last sentence is my excuse as well as my sentence – I am but a stupid teenager. I am allowed to not succeed in life until I’m 20. That’s actually normal. I keep pressuring myself to have made a career for myself by the time I’m 17, or something like that – but it’s unrealistic to expect that to happen without work and time. So, I need to stop condemning myself every time I choose sleep over a new post or story, and instead remember that getting more than 5 hours sleep is more important, for the mean time, than writing one little post.

Just so long as I do keep working at it, at doing the things I want to, or making the things I want happen. Rather than just asking for them. It’s just that it doesn’t all have to happen overnight – I can publish my first book when I’m 23, it doesn’t have to be next week, so I should stop getting angry that I’ve not finished a full-on novel yet and instead work on sleeping and living the rest of my life, and writing bit by bit, and over time I’ll gradually start seeing the results.

At least, that’s how I hope it will work out. Note: Cue discussion on society’s expectations being for us to achieve at an ever-earlier age.

Sorry, guys. I did say it was too late for a real post, didn’t I? But it’s the weekend now, so once I return from my adventures in investigating a French market being held tomorrow, I’ll try and write the post I’ve been hanging onto for ages (by which I mean all week) – the jealousy vs love one.

Bonne nuit, mes amis.

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