Hey. It’s been a while. It’s been a long time, considering I’ve had internet access and not SO much homework. But I’ve been busy, I swear! Anyway, I’ve failed at writing about the things I wanted to, but now I feel like writing about arguing, so I’ll do that now and maybemaybemaybe write some other stuff later. WHO KNOWS.
This is about arguing with people, and connecting with people, and dumping emotions on them. Kind of. Let’s get started.
I basically want to explain that if I argue about something with you, it’s because I can see your views are different to mine, and I want to show you mine. I know everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I also want to make people see mine, so that they can see where I’m coming from, and maybe change their mind, maybe not – but how can they know they’re right if they refuse to listen to any other ideas?
I’m not perfect, I’m a hypocrite, I know. But still. I try to listen to other people’s side, to understand why. I ask them why they feel something. I ASK so much. I question and probe and challenge and disagree and make my own point and compare the two and admit flaws and point out strengths in both sides.
So when you [whoever I’m arguing with] don’t do that? I feel vaguely insulted, if I think about it. But no matter. I feel like I’m not being given a fair chance, or that my ideas aren’t being valued or even deemed as existent. And THAT makes me think you’re stupid, at least in this regard.
So – if someone repeatedly refuses to see my point, to even glance in its direction – I might just not bring it up. Not mention it. Stop talking about it.
It’s surprising for someone stubborn like me to do something like that, to give up, to not bother – but the truth is, if you won’t give me the time of the day, so to speak, I will stop caring about whether you agree with me or not. Because if you can’t respect that I feel so strongly about something, you obviously don’t respect MY opinions, and I can’t respect that. This leads on to connecting with people, and emotion-dumping, but give me a second to try and simplify this all for you.
I respect your right to have different opinions to me.
But if I respect your opinions/views in general, I will want you to share MY views, so I’ll tell you about them and try and convince you of their merits.
If you inspect my opinions, then accept them as my views but defend your own and decide to stick to those instead, that’s fine. I’ll accept that.
If, on the other hand, you refuse to look at mine, and simply say yours are the best and only ones worth having, and that’s that? Well, then my respect of your views in general is going to shrivel up and die.
I argue with you because I care about what you think, so of course I want you to think like me. But if you don’t reciprocate that care – by arguing with me – I’m going to stop caring what you think.
See, this is where we get to the connecting part. I am really quite open, once I know someone. It’s not too hard to get me to say what I think and more importantly, how I feel – I hardly need much encouragement, if I already respect you because I know you. And if I trust you and respect you enough, I will come to you often to dump my emotions on you, because somehow that’s how my mind rewards your friendship.
OK, well, really it’s that I want to cry or scream or leap for joy or whatever and I want to somehow share my emotions and so I turn automatically to my friends, or more to the point, to those I feel safe sharing emotions with. Maybe I shouldn’t dump so much on people, but if I do, it’s because I care enough about what you think, and I feel close enough to you to show my vulnerable side – so if I message someone on FB and write all in caps lock and rapidly and making little sense, and am random and strange and not usual, that’s because you’re actually seeing the real me – you know, the one that doesn’t always get shown because I don’t trust people enough.
So. Me dumping emotions = showing the real me. And showing the real me = me trusting. Me trusting = me caring about what you think.
Ahhh. I never find this easy, do I?
Look. What I’m trying to say is this. We might have a normal conversation, where we discuss and argue a point, and then I get a little frustrated with you, but curb my anger and eventually the conversation ends naturally. Seems like I respect you and bear no hard feelings or whatever.
Me respecting you is more like this.
We don’t necessarily have anything ‘normal’ about the conversation, because we don’t have to discuss favourite music artists or anything boring like that – instead, it can be anything, from why I want to cry right now to the gloriously entertaining futures we are dreaming up for ourselves and each other and weaving around the other’s ideas and dreams. I might be random and so might you and that’s fine. When we reach a point of disagreement, I argue with you about it, if you are stubborn, I get angry, my writing becomes more erratic, I get passionate, I don’t stop.
Because I CARE!
And YOU keep arguing with me, and gradually we might win each other over and we might not, that’s not the point.
If I have the first conversation with you, it’s because I can’t be bothered putting in the effort of arguing when you don’t respond to it. When you remain normal. When you stay sane. And I can’t bare myself to you if you’re going to just say ‘haha’ when I start quoting obscure songs or books or movies to prove my point. If you asked where it was from, deconstructed it, requested context…that shows you care! That you’re reading it! That you’re not dismissing me as just some funny person who gets really passionate about things and lol isn’t it funny watching how angry she gets?
When I argue with people and care enough, my emotions surface. And then I can’t control them. So if I can control my emotions whilst talking to you? It’s because I don’t care enough. Not deeply. Obviously, sometimes this is the topic’s fault (fine, you prefer ponies to horses. Whatever.) but if it’s anything that seems halfway to serious – it’s probably you I can’t bring myself to care about enough.
Well, whoop de doo, I think I made myself sound like enough of a bitch there, didn’t I? I better sign off to go do other things. In case you couldn’t guess…I talked to someone for a long time about a topic I care very deeply about…and eventually gave up. It made me feel a little bitter. But writing this helped a bit!