I’ve thought I was fat since I was 10 years old. Great.

Hi.

I’ve lost weight.

Not much, in the scheme of things. A kilo or two. I’ve gone down one size in clothes, maybe just – but as I was always teetering on the edge between two, that’s hardly an achievement.

It wasn’t some blessed accident – no, it’s the result of me not eating ‘properly’ for the past…god, I don’t know how long. Months? Weeks? It started some time during the holidays, around Christmas – I suppose it was early January that I really started. But before that, since about November, perhaps, or a little earlier, I’d been trying to eat less and more healthily. Trying to lose weight.

I’m not fat. I know I’m not. Not really, actually fat – I just have a protruding stomach, like a baby beer belly. How lovely does that sound? And my thighs are too flabby. And really, so are my upper arms. But apart from that I’m really very lucky, I’m naturally a little bony, or skinny, or whatever you want to call it. A size 10, now, though I was a 12 before. But of course, I’m still only 15, too. I’m not at all skinny, but I’m not fat either. I’m just…average. As in everything. And I don’t have any mental problems about my appearance (well, more than the expected horribleness of being a teenager, I assume…), I don’t pinch at skin and wail that I need to cut this fat off because I’m a whale.

But I am horribly ashamed of my body, nonetheless. Of my stomach, mostly. I always cross my arms over it, suck it in whenever I remember to, and wearing a bikini, or clothes that cling to my stomach, in front of people I actually know? Ahh. No thanks. No way.

And short shorts? Definitely not an option when you have to hide your thunder-thighs from everyone, obviously. When I’m sitting down, I feel like my legs are as repulsive as giant legs of ham, fat and horrendous.

Finally, I feel unhealthy. Unfit. Having a stomach means you’ve got extra body fat, which I’m taught is exceedingly bad for your health. So, I know there’s no way I have an eating disorder if I start trying to lose weight, it’s just that I want to be healthier.

And look – it’s worked, hasn’t it? But then again…what exactly is ‘it’, how have I lost this small amount of weight?

The truth is, I’ve not done the ‘right’ thing and just exercised more. No. At first I was foolish, I just straight-out fasted completely for a day or two and then let myself have a chocolate sundae or something delicious. Then Google told me that could mess up my metabolism, so I’ve been slowly eating more and more. At first I wouldn’t let myself eat breakfast. One piece of fruit for the day. As little dinner as I can get away with. Now I eat breakfast and dinner almost like I always have – but with a tiny bit more restraint. I’ve almost completely stopped snacking ever at all – my one weakness being if I’m out with my mum and she wants to have an ice cream or whatever, but because she’s temporarily living 5 hours away from me…that’s a rare, rare occurrence.

Why am I writing all this? Because I want to tell someone. Only, there’s no one that I…trust? That’s not quite right. I’m scared of judgement, of people saying ‘Hah! You’re an idiot!’ for whatever reason. So instead I write it here and feel a tiny bit better.

Thing is…I’ve always had a good metabolism. I’ve been able to eat 5 pancakes smothered in cream, and a hot chocolate, for breakfast, and normal meals for lunch and dinner – without really gaining weight. With practically no real exercise, either. I’ve had this stomach since I was about 10, that’s when I first remember being upset with my appearance because I thought my tummy was too fat. So you could look at this as just me trying to get rid of this extra weight, finally.

Ahh. Writing this has made me feel better about the whole thing. I think. I hope it lasts.

I suppose my biggest issue at the moment is worrying about my metabolism – I can skip all the delicious food, to an extent…for a little while. I want to be able to go back to eating food happily, and not have messed up my metabolism. Help, how long does it take for that to happen? I don’t know. But yeah, I’m horribly frightened of that happening – I desperately want to maintain my quick metabolism.

Ah, this grows ever longer and I want to address a slightly different topic within this one – maybe I’ll swap to a new post. Yes. Let’s.

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