These are some things I’m going to strive to have in my future. For when I’m at uni, for next year, even just for tomorrow, my first day at a new school.
Look. I’m constantly telling myself I’m not good enough. Not skinny enough, not up to date with the fashions, not normal enough, whatever. And I’m going to try and stop doing that. Well, kind of. I plan to be myself as much as possible, more than ever, and to not feel guilty about it. Instead, I’m going to be proud. Instead of being upset that my sense of fashion doesn’t make me adore those little dresses that are so popular right now, with a too-high waist, I’m going to wear those vintage style dresses that I DO love, and that accentuate my waist in the way I like.
It’s going to be hard, there’s no question about that. I think the key is to know that I absolutely do look good, (we’re sticking with clothes to explain everything, kind of like a metaphor which is also an example) so that I can retreat into the safety of my mind at least, if someone does call me out.
It’s funny – my mother has always taught me to provide my potential enemies with as little ammunition as possible, to make my life easier. Make sure every aspect of you is perfect so that people can’t use that as an excuse to complain about the actual you. Eliminate loopholes. If every other aspect of your makeup is impeccable, they can’t attack you for using Nivea lipbalm instead of LipSmackers, so long as your lips are still suitably soft and pretty and whatever else. Though, one hopes no one is petty enough to pursue something as trivial as that. I can’t think of any better example, sorry.
Yet, she’s also told me to always do what I want. To wear pink skirts whilst others wear denim cutoffs, if that’s what I WANT. So it’s mixed messages I guess, but the way I interpret it is relatively simple – be yourself but ensure that you can’t be targeted for it by way of some other aspect of yourself.
Wow, I digress.
As long as I still look good there’s no reason for me not to wear whatever I want, whether that’s vintage 50’s dresses or denim cutoffs and lace shirts or Amanda-Palmer-style ruffles and corsets and garters and all that. Which brings me to another point, that being the reason behind my determination. If you couldn’t guess, it’s Amanda Fucking Palmer. Admittedly, not just Amanda Palmer, but also from reading the blog comments and seeing all these brave people and wanting to copy that bravery.
But basically, AFP is so many things that I want to be, but the ones I’m concentrating on are comfortable with herself, confident, brave, willing to try new things, and willing to disregard other people’s opinions. I know she has all the same self-esteem issues and self-doubt and fears and all of that, but nonetheless, she gets up and does what she wants to, and acts the way she wants to, and wears the clothes she wants to, and she is adored by thousands around the world, so I’m pretty sure she’s not wrong in what she’s doing.
I’m not going to start wearing cabaret-style clothes (that’s how I tend to think of her style), no, but I’m going to try my very best to no longer let other people’s ideas dictate my own. That’s what I want, after all.
Argh. Amanda Palmer is so vibrant and full of life. I want to be like her. And for once I’m not going to just sit here wishing, I’m going to try and help myself. I’m going to be more comfortable in my own skin, I’m going to empower myself, in the same way that AFP is empowering me to do this. I’m going to be proud of myself. I hope.
I’m going to take opportunities and do my best with them and I’m going to try and not regret my actions so often by doing what I feel is right instead of giving in to fear.
Maybe, this will help me with things like giving me the courage to, say, audition for a part if I do end up pursuing drama outside of the classroom. It has so many positive effects. Instead of writing about them all here, and then going and wasting time online, I’m going to be productive instead, and write, even though I don’t feel incredibly inspired to do so at the moment, because that will help me.
OK. Let’s go, guys. Let’s do this.