Now, little blog, you may or may not have gathered that I’m in a sad mood today. One of those ones where I just feel so inadequate and like such a complaining selfish spoiled brat as well.
I just feel like crying all the time, or screaming, or absolutely going mental, telling people exactly what I’m thinking, literally just standing up in the middle of class and pushing the teacher aside and trying to verbalise everything I’m thinking before someone restrains me or I realise what I’m doing. To jump up and say “Help. I don’t know how to be normal like you guys think normal is. I’m horrific. I’m a bitch. I’m not smart, but I’m a showoff, I can’t do sports because I’m so freaking terrified of all of you, I’m jealous of you, I don’t know how you all manage, how do you not have fits of strangeness where you sit under a table and that helps just a tiny bit, how do you hug each other and wrestle each other, why can’t I do that? Why do you all get to not worry about hugging people regardless of gender, and friendships regardless of gender, and I can’t pick someone’s hand up to remove something of mine from it, and do you all do the same thing as me, why do you all seem so different, I love people, did you know that? I love talking to you. I love laughing. I love impromptu conversations about drugs. I want to be normal but I think it must be so strange how do you do it how do you? Do you all feel like failures too? Why do you do this? Why are YOU a bully? Why do YOU like him even though he’s a bully? And YOU, why in hell do you sit with him? How can you all not bear grudges? How annoying am I? How can I fix that? How do you not feel entirely inadequate? Full of yourself? Vain? Annoying? Hateful? Selfish? If you do feel that way, how the heck do you deal with it and all seem so sane and like you don’t cry at home all the time?”
That hardly even scratches the surface. I simply can’t transplant the ideas from my mind to any other format and that sucks because it means they’re all just whirling around in my mind, like millions of voices screaming at me all at the same time and there’s so many that you can’t hear what each is saying, you can get a very basic message from some of them but you cant articulate it properly, and then it turns out that if you can’t find the answer for every single voice your mind will just implode. And you’re fat. But you’re not actually, you just think you are. Or are you? You don’t know.
And then to top it all off there are people like Jenny Lawson who are amazing despite literally not being able to go out in groups of large people, and people who cut themselves, and commit suicide, and people who’ve been raped or had their families killed or I don’t even know. Who have depression and actual mental illnesses.
And you’re a spoiled well-off 14 year old girl whining in an annoying voice about how bad your life is and how stressed you are and the most stressing thing in your life is moving schools. And then you hate yourself for being so selfish and self-obsessed. But then you start rationalising it – you’ve moved schools a lot, you’ve never been normal, your friends hate you half the time, you get bullied, your family fights, you’re too poor, you’re this you’re that.
And then you think of what you’ve just thought and you hate yourself all over again. There are people who move schools every year, who have something physically marking them as ‘weird’, who have no friends, who are encouraged to take their own life by bullies, who’s father beats them and their mother, who have no money whatsoever, who are just so much worse off.
And it’s all just this one massive vicious cycle where everything is bad and it sucks and all you ever do is write this stupid thing about it. Because you fail so very much. Because you just FAIL. You FAIL. I HATE YOU. I do, I really do. I hate you so much, yet I am you.