Optimism is a tricky thing. I’ve discovered that I’m incredibly fickle, too. I don’t want to talk about school too much, that old ‘the more you discuss it the more you think about and the worse it seems’ thing. But I feel I should say a bit about it to get it off my chest, so to speak.
I’ve not posted anything this week because I’ve been very busy and tired – going to bed early rather than staying up like I usually would, which means I have less time to do everything. I’ve been cooking dinner every night, which I don’t mind so much, but it does take time up; doing maths homework, which I HATE with a passion; watching a little TV with my family because they want me to; and then collapsing into bed and finding myself waking up in the morning feeling like I’ve hardly slept. I know that’s meant to be pretty typical, but god, that doesn’t make it any nicer! Maybe I should start drinking coffee to keep me going, people always tell me that they never liked coffee that much until they needed it to stay awake for uni or whatever.
Just quickly on optimism – I’m trying hard, and most of the time I can succeed if I don’t let myself think about the bad parts and force myself to focus on the good parts, even just looking forward to the future. To going to France, which will be almost certainly in September, if not before then! To uni, to when I have friends, to when I’m eclectic and alternative and joyous. I don’t know, I like to romanticize my future – I plan on being happy and weird, I suppose. In my mind it’s all just tiny coffee shops with mini-gigs on, and op-shop vintage clothes, and foolishly wonderful friends to hang out with, and I don’t even quite know what else – I’d like to try and write it down in more detail though.
Optimism isn’t always easy. I figure I need to just be constantly, foolishly, stupidly optimistic, except when I’m crying in the bathrooms, but then I’ll just cry it out of my system and force myself to be optimistic and think to myself ‘Only 6 more months til I go to France!’ rather than ‘I have no friends here and may never have any here and I think I’m failing the work.’
Ahhh. I want to express myself better, but I really can’t. I just wanted to write something here, I suppose partly as a record – so I can read it again when I’m being pessimistic and be reminded that NO I MUST BE HAPPY, and also so when I’m happy without trying to be, I can read it again and laugh at my foolishness, and finally so that when I’m feeling this way again, I can read it and see that yeah, I’ve gone through this before, and yeah, it ended eventually.
COPING MECHANISMS, GUYS. This is one of mine, I guess.