The complications of sexism and gender equality once you’re old enough to understand it.

Once upon a time, I didn’t notice sexism except as occasionally something being unfair. In fact, I would say that my strongest understanding of sexism came from the books I’d read, where for some reason or other, a girl would not be given the same rights as boys, and, usually, this would cause some uproar. I always remember reading Tamora Pierce’s Song of the Lioness and Protector of the Small quartets, fantasy novels which feature (respectively), a girl pretending to be her twin brother so that she can become a knight, and a different girl, a generation later, being the first girl in the land to become a knight openly, without hiding her sex. Each, of course, suffers greatly for the great crime of being a girl (the setting is somewhat comparable to real-life medieval times).

When, as a 10 year old, I read those books (and others like them) I remember being absolutely outraged, offended that my sex wouldn’t be allowed to pick up a sword if they chose to. So, obviously I was aware of this strange prejudice, but my knowledge of it was simple and easy: women should be allowed to do whatever they want, if guys are allowed to do it. Anything else is simply unfair.

That was my childhood philosophy – in my early (OK, earlier) teens, I changed it up a little: women and men should be allowed to do exactly the same things, and women shouldn’t be allowed to do any thing that men can’t do, OR vice versa. The key difference there being that women (in my ideal world) are given the same rights as men, whereas previously they would possibly have more.

The reason I felt the need to redefine my ideology is that I’d noticed a number of times when women were given preference over men, which sounds a little strange, but bear with me here. I refer to the times when women are allowed to insult men but still be considered politically correct  - things like the now-common ‘Husband Creche‘ which suggests that men are basically useless when it comes to certain pastimes like, oh god, shopping. These signs usually elicit a laugh, perhaps a comment on the cleverness of the idea – but just imagine the backlash if someone dared make a sign saying ‘Girl Creche’ outside, say, a comic shop?

I was so proud of myself, for not going along with the general public’s opinions and actually using my own brain to deduce what I thought was right and wrong. And I do still genuinely believe that women are sometimes given a free pass to be less sexist than men because they are the (traditionally) victimised group. Still, I genuinely thought I was just a little brighter than those just mindlessly saying that women were the only ones being oppressed.

(Ah, the follies of youth. And our willingness to believe that we’re special in some way, though I’m fairly certain that carries over into adulthood.)

Now, a few years and much reading later, I’m slowly beginning to realise that sexism isn’t such a cut-and-dried topic as I always believed it to be. It’s actually rather a shock, to be honest, because I always thought that sexism was just equal rights for each sex – I never even dreamed of having to take into account things like transgendered individuals and their experiences, or whether we should be eschewing all the traditional gender roles and all the other gender-based things ingrained in our culture like pink and dolls for girls, and blue and cars for boys.

It’s not just that women aren’t given the same rights as men – it’s that they don’t get the same treatment, and are subject to so many double standards it hurts my brain to think about it. Men aren’t just the oppressors, they’re the victims, because they always have to be manly and masculine. And in fact, women are also helping to perpetuate some aspects of sexism.

Gender equality isn’t just about girls and guys anymore, either – there’s also the sexuality and gender-identification aspects to worry about, that is, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, genderqueers, transsexuals, and every other label I’ve forgotten (if you’re interested in the definitions, this is really useful).

I really, honestly, do not have objections to these people being included in gender equality, I believe it’s only right – but shoot, way to confuse me! For whatever reason, I’ve had very little exposure (read as: none whatsoever) to anyone who doesn’t identify as purely female or male, or anyone whose physical sex doesn’t match their mental gender. (I sincerely hope I didn’t exclude a group or mess up the definitions there.) As such, I’m not used to them existing, and being acknowledged – that’s obviously a failing of our society, however, it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know much about this whole section of gender equality and what they go through, and the correct terms to use.

Finally, just to confuse my brain a little more, there’s all these things flying in the face of what I’ve been taught by society (yet again), but this time, by polite, pro-gender-equality society. Note the descriptor “polite”. I’ve always been taught to be modest and, you know, not run around with no shirt on, so I’ve always stuck by that rule, because hey, public nudity is impolite and a big no-no. But apparently that’s yet another aspect of non-equality in our society and we should be embracing and encouraging comfort with naked bodies. While in principle I think I agree, it’s really hard to reconcile that ideology with the constantly enforced idea that it’s, quite simply, rude to show certain parts of your body to anyone (but especially to those who are sexually attracted to whichever gender you happen to be).

Overall, sexism and gender equality has become such a complicated, convoluted, confusing topic that I can no longer have the same views as I did just three years ago. So, for now, I’m working with a new philosophy – everyone is equal and should be treated equally in all ways, and in general all harm and offence to any group or individual should be kept to an absolute minimum. That’s very broad, and very hard to do in real life, though, so I also like to add: People should try and understand issues before complaining about them, and should always be prepared to learn something new about, well, any issue, and finally, people should most certainly not be vilified for being products of our non-gender-equal society if they’re trying to understand issues, but finding it difficult because our modern Western society has ‘brainwashed’ us. By which I mean, hey, I’m trying my hardest to not insult you for being genderqueer but I’ve never met a genderqeer person before and I don’t necessarily know that being called genderqueer might be hugely insulting to you, because our society teaches me social etiquette like the correct term to address my elders (use their last name, unless they invite you to call them something else, or you are introduced with a different name) and not the correct term to address people who don’t identify as female or male.

Look, guys, it’s all really very simple. Try and treat absolutely everyone you ever meet with total equality, be nice, and try your best not to insult people.

There’s No Age Limit To Having An Opinion.

I was actually planning on writing this post on the weekend, but instead it morphed into an analysis of our culture’s tendency to encourage open sexuality as a sign of maturity, well, something along those lines anyway. If that interests you at all, why not read the actual post here?

I digress.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether my little 15 year old brain is actually capable of processing all the information required for me to be making valid points on important issues. Warning, I will probably repeat myself a lot in this post. Sorry.

Watching discussions unfold on my Twitter feed and reading articles about women’s rights and the treatment of children and articles like this, about the phenomenon of slut-shaming has made me want to proffer forth my own opinions on all these matters, and lend my voice to all the people yelling out for social change. But as I scroll through yet another news piece and see yet another comment or debate, it occurs to me that perhaps I’m not really smart enough for all this. Not because I lack intelligence, but because these things are all the kind of issues that people should be approaching with thought-out opinions and ideas, issues that require ‘background reading’, issues that you have to understand before you can really comment on them – and they’re such complex issues that fully understanding them seems to require a uni degree. So, I find myself retreating from the conversations because I don’t think my words are valid enough and I don’t want to clog up news feeds with foolish teenage spoutings of my personal half-baked ideas, and beliefs that are little more than me reacting to my gut feeling, however that may be affected by media and society in general. (For instance, my gut response  to that article I linked was that actually, schoolgirls should have dress restrictions imposed on them – but how much of that is my actual belief and how much is just what I’ve been taught by society, by always going to schools with dress restrictions, etc?).

So, when considering my dilemma, I always wonder if there actually are limitations on what you can do that directly correspond to your age. Obviously I don’t expect it to be a perfect date, like that the particular day that is exactly 18 years after the day you were born, you are suddenly mature enough to drink alcohol. So November 13, I’m a silly immature child, but once midnight rolls around and it’s November 14, I am capable of all kinds of new things, like legally ordering a glass of wine with my dinner. Dumb, obviously – yes, the theory is good, but when you actualise age limits…they become a little ridiculous.

Anyway. I’m starting to go off topic again – that’s kind of part of my point. Is it ridiculous for me to be trying to write a real blog when I’m 15? Personally, I don’t think so. Vloggers become successful far younger than me, and blogging is such a malleable tool – you can run a blog to advertise your products, or to keep people updated on your travels, or to lay out your opinions, or just to post pictures of penguins that you thought really resembled cars.

In terms of career choices, I’m seriously considering being a writer of some kind. I already like to write stories that I never end up finishing – I dismiss them because I’m only 15 anyway so no one will publish them. That’s probably incredibly stupid thinking (obviously this isn’t the only reason that I don’t finish them) – but how stupid is it really? It is certainly true that our society is rather ageist – teens are generally considered homogeneous and foolish, incapable of really being intelligent on the same level as adults. Yes, I am good at school, I get good marks, but that doesn’t make me smart,  that doesn’t automatically ensure that I am able to meaningfully contribute to discussions among adults. It just means I’m good at remembering the right things and writing it down in a way teachers like.

So – is there a particular age you have to be before you can truly participate in conversations requiring higher-level thinking and maturity? I’ve just started to try and contribute to Facebook conversations about Everyday Sexism, and in general taking opportunities to share my opinions on issues like treatment of prisoners and all kinds of political and human-rights type discussions, and it really, really makes me happy. I enjoy it, I like people listening to me and taking my perspective into account. They don’t seem to mind, or perhaps even notice, that I’m significantly younger than most of them – and why should they? If I can share valid ideas and the like, then why should there be any problem?

It’s taken me a little while to write this post – I wasn’t exactly sure of what my beliefs on the matter actually were. But now, I think I’ve realised them: I do think I am entitled to my own opinion, and I don’t think my age should be any kind of issue unless of course it indirectly causes problems because, for instance, I can’t necessarily comment on the effects of alcohol being used to ‘seduce’ women, because I don’t drink because it’s illegal for me to do that.

Yes, it’s true, sometimes the conversation will be ‘over my head’ and just a little too complicated for me, but that would likely happen even if I were 23, so I shouldn’t have to not contribute at all because I can’t participate in all.

I am aware that as a foolish teenager I’m likely to do all those typical things teenagers do, like being overly upset over personal slights, or taking criticism too harshly, or thinking that I know far more than I really do, or not being able to see things outside of my own personal experience. But – for one thing, such behaviour is by no means exclusive to teenagers and it might be that I continue to act like that in my twenties, even thirties, perhaps my whole life. Secondly – if I don’t try and interact with the ‘real world’ then I won’t ever grow up to be the kind of person who doesn’t only take into account her personal experiences, because that kind of thing takes practice – and what better way to do it than by participating in things that interest me on topics I care about?

Sometimes I feel bad about trying to offer people sympathy or advice – I’m a dumb 15 year old whose worst ever problems have been having no friends at school (though I’m certainly well-practiced at that), so it stands to reason that people think me presumptuous and condescending if I try to say ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘Just keep trying, it’ll get better eventually!’ or whatever else. After all, I haven’t experienced ‘life’ like they have, I’ve never had a romantic relationship, or lived alone, or even gotten a job. And I respect their opinions  - because I feel they’re justified.

If, on the other hand, someone suggests that I can’t know what I’m talking about because I’m only 15, and I’m discussing something like the effects of the media in perpetuating sexism – why, then I will be affronted. I am, after all, capable of making my own decisions and opinions after reviewing the information available to me, just as much as anyone. And in fact, I would dare suggest that I could possibly provide a less common perspective – that of the younger teenager, because that’s what I am, and so even out of a hundred adults, who could argue that I am not the better choice if you want to know how young people (i.e. teenagers) are affected by, for instance, the media? I live that every day, for the moment, so I know exactly what it’s like. And even my fickle hormone-driven teenage mind can see that that must surely be better than a twenty-seven year old, no matter how smart or well-intentioned or youthful she may be, trying to remember how things affected her a whole decade ago, and apply those memories to modern-day circumstances, because even in the short space of 10 years media has managed to change rather drastically.

Look. Yes, I’m going to be distracted by pictures of kittens and think stuff is absolutely hilarious when adults think it’s just dumb, and I’ll worry about all the usual teen stuff like whether my hair looks good in that picture, but in my experience, everyone does. Everyone gets distracted by something they deem cute, or funny, or interesting, and thinks that something is hilarious when a lot of other people just don’t get it. But isn’t that in part a generational thing rather than just age-based? If you grew up in the nineties, you’ll appreciate references to the nineties, and if you didn’t, you probably won’t. That’s simple. Then again, it doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate it. Lots of things transcend age, be they popular book or movie series, sexism or pictures of cats. I adore Game of Thrones, the other students in my class are reading The Mortal Instruments, and those reading Game of Thrones are more likely to be slightly older than me than my age. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it; it’s a matter of personal preference. So, I say, let my peers have their Snapchat and discussions of tattoos,   and I’ll do what I enjoy. Maybe next month I will enjoy Snapchat, even though I don’t right now, and that’s fine too.

So, to recap, I believe that anyone trying to impose age limits on, well, most anything that is concerned with your mind – reading, talking, discussing, writing, whatever – is ridiculous. Yes, there will be majorities – most people reading this will belong to one particular group, but there will always be a few who don’t, who might be older or younger or a different ethnicity or different gender or different religion or somehow, in some way, different, but they can still enjoy the exact same thing, and what they produce (in terms of opinions, reviews, writing, etc) is just as valid, even though the creator doesn’t fit the exact profile as most of the others.

However, there are times when age must be taken into account, when I believe there should be a limit, like with alcohol consumption and the age of consent. Thirteen years old is too young to be making decisions about how other people should be allowed to interact with the most intimate parts of your body. But expressing your opinions? There should be no limit to that.

This is a very long post (and longer still from this) and it’s rather convoluted, and possibly contradictory. It was hard to write because I didn’t know what I wanted to say, which is why I repeat myself and make it so long. If anyone deemed it worthy of reading – please, I would love to know what you think. Of all the things I’ve posted on here so far…this is one of the ones that I most want feedback from, or rather, to know more about other people’s opinions.

Age is relative: but when should people start dating? Why does our society put so much pressure on relationships?

Age is relative – three years between you and your partner means nothing in your mid-40s, but in primary school it’s freaking creepy. There are people who make masterpieces aged 16, and those who only start creating once they’re retired. An 18 year old and a 77 year old can have a fantastic conversation together on the effects of the media, and a 44 year old and a 52 year old could be the absolute worst people at discussing the same topic.

That’s accepted by now, for the most part. However, we still have lots and lots of…restrictions, you could call them, on what people of certain ages are allowed to do. It always makes me wonder how valid age restrictions are, and if there is such thing as a ‘perfect age’ for, well, anything.

For instance, what is the right age to start having romantic relationships? I came across this really excellent video about homophobia, ‘If ‘Heterophobia’ Were Real’, and I thought it was great in the way it made you think about society’s treatment of gay people. My only issue with it was what I saw as the ridiculously young age of the protagonist and her love interest.

It’s an American film, of course, and Ashley seems to be a middle school student, judging from the classroom setting. To me, she looks even younger than that, maybe 10 years old, but I tend to be a little off, so I’m happy to accept that she’s probably about 12 years old, a normal age for children starting middle school.

That, essentially, is my problem with Ashley’s character. She’s 12. She really shouldn’t be having any kind of romantic relationship with her peers, she should be playing Neopets or climbing a tree or something. In my opinion, children are being brought up in an increasingly sexualised world in which open sexuality is seen as somehow equivalent to maturity, when that is in actuality only a small part of it.

I realise that this is partially because I personally feel no need to have boyfriend, or even to date. That’s my personal, individual stance – I’m 15 years old, and I don’t think I should date because I don’t really want to, and that’s fine. One of the reasons I don’t is that it seems a little pointless to me, because I would never do anything more than kiss and cuddle with my boyfriend at this age – I think 15 is far too young to be sleeping with people, regardless of whether both are willing and consenting or not. A 15 year old is, under most circumstances, simply not mature enough to properly weigh the consequences of something as serious as sleeping with someone.

American society seems to be particularly bad for sending children the message that they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be normal. In the film, the teacher concerned about her heterosexual tendencies suggests that she gets a girlfriend. The figure of authority actively encourages the young people under his care to pursue romantic relationships with one another.

I can’t pretend to fully understand it, but I have a relatively deep understanding of American culture due to watching so many of my closest friends live it, and of course from being raised on Hollywood ideals, and in general consuming so much American media, whether in the form of blogs, books, songs or anything else. American teenagers begin to date early and also ascribe a lot of importance to these relationships (obviously this is not limited to American teens, I am merely using them as my prime examples).

To me, this seems like something we should be changing. Of course, a certain amount of this dating is lovely, wholesome-American-family, innocent, holding-hands-and-not-much-else. That’s all it should be, until perhaps age 16 onwards. Until then, teenagers are really just glorified children, aren’t they? Yes, they’re gradually moving into the adult world, and of course this transitional period can be very difficult, I realise that. A common lament of teenagers, shared on Facebook and retweeted on Twitter by the younger denizens of the sites, is that the reason teenagers find life in general so difficult is that ‘adults treat them like children but expect them to act like adults’. However, I find that to be a little unfair – yes, there are some people who treat teenagers like 10-year-olds and they’re really not the same people, but most treat them like the specific, separate group they are – teenagers – and few people really expect teenagers to act like adults. Except, it seems…in terms of relationships.

For some reason, teenagers seem to be encouraged to have relationships just like adults, though obviously minus certain aspects like perhaps living with each other, as most teens still live with their family. Presumably, this is the result of media constantly feeding young children messages about how getting a girl (or guy) is pretty much the most important thing ever – no matter what other fantastic things they might be doing (or not so fantastic), in the end of almost every movie, book or show that our children are brought up on, there will be a romantic pairing – the girl protagonist ends up with the boy, or more commonly, the guy gets the girl he’s been trying unsuccessfully to get throughout the show. Of course, there’s a whole new issue here with sexism and our society’s idea that men should be rewarded with a beautiful girl if they succeed. But my point is, all these media forms train children to think that romantic relationships are our main goal in life, and, with very young characters pairing up, and just from consuming all this media from such a young age, the general public comes to think that the sooner you get a girlfriend or boyfriend, the better you are. This media never stops to point out that for a romantic relationship to be worth anything, each participant must be mature and actually understand what’s going in such a relationship.

With the influence of all this media, and the vicious-cycle effects of watching their older siblings and other older role models in their life also succumb to this ‘must not be single’ thinking, teens begin to date at an earlier and earlier age. Apart from just being ridiculous – even teens agree that ‘twelvies’, that is, 11-13 year olds who make a fuss about their relationship woes, are stupid – it’s dangerous, because teenagers simply aren’t equipped to have this kind of complex relationship.

Somehow, our society expects teens to act like adults with relationships – yet wouldn’t dare expect them to be so mature in most other areas – teens aren’t expected to be able to budget by themselves, think about the long-term consequences of their actions, realise that having Vans really isn’t that important, or be aware of national politics or international issues that aren’t being promoted by the media.

This encouraged sexuality only leads to more issues occurring earlier in life – for instance, referring once more to Ashley, the straight little girl from the short film – if children (and that’s what they are, children) weren’t constantly being told that relationships were central to their happiness, their own sexual preferences wouldn’t be called to attention, and if someone’s being gay isn’t brought to attention, then, well, it shouldn’t cause much of an issue – that’s their personal persuasion, and their only issues should be the exact same as a heterosexuals – liking somebody who doesn’t like them back for whatever reason, whether it’s because the object of their affection doesn’t share the same sexual preferences, or just that they don’t like the particular person in ‘that way’.

Look at it this way – how often do 13 year olds bully each other over their personal political views? Yes, there may be some circumstances where this does occur, but let’s face it, it’s very uncommon. Caring about politics is a sign of maturity just as much as caring about who you’re ‘with’, so why is it that relationships are the only aspect of maturity that teenagers embrace?

I am aware that things like puberty and hormones all factor into this, but I still believe what I have just written about. To put it quite bluntly, no matter what awakenings of desire, or however else you might choose to put it, are present in a teenager mind, they can be controlled, and would be controlled, if only our society didn’t encourage such thoughts not only be allowed to continue, but also to override other aspects of a teen’s mind, and to start at an earlier and earlier age.

 

Can we think of femininity as a style? How do we define it? Who gets to be feminine?

I’ve just recently started actively taking an interest in feminist affairs, and the issue of sexism and the way it is ingrained in our culture and society, and, of course, this has lead me to question my own vague ideology on the matter. Feminists call for equal rights and treatment for both sexes, despite their slightly misleading name, and by definition equal rights and treatment means that it will be exactly the same.

This seems the tiniest bit…wrong, to me.

Don’t get me wrong, it is most certainly NOT that I think women and men aren’t equal to each other. I do. I mean, obviously there are some things that, for the most part, men might be better at – for instance, men are traditionally faster runners, if only because they have longer legs, whereas women are more known for their aesthetic sense and so we have less male flower arrangers. And of course there are exceptions to these ever-so-general rules, many women are much faster runners than men, and there are lots of guys who are really just fantastic at turning those roses and daisies into a visual masterpiece.

Considering this, there are two things I’m wondering about.

The first being, just how much is our concept of males’ strengths and weaknesses versus females’ strengths and weaknesses subject to representation in the media, and perhaps more importantly, in our society and everyday lives?

If it’s not clear what I’m talking about, allow to me explain a little better.

We automatically assume women are better with children – people make fun of ‘daddy daycares’. This is a widely accepted belief or idea. But how much of it is based on actual truth – scientific proof, genetics, the like – and how much is just our preconceived ideas taught to us by a life of always seeing the woman holding the baby, whether at the grocery store, the ice cream parlor, amusement park, doctor’s waiting room, on TV ads, in Hollywood, wherever?

I’m certainly not the first to wonder about this, and lots of people smarter and older than me have written far more factual, well-written articles on the matter and suggested theories and analysed the issue and everything else.

Anyway, thinking about that, about our preconceived ideas about the different genders and how hard they are to separate from genuine scientific differences (I won’t state it as absolute, but I’m fairly certain that women do actually have a slightly different emotional balance to men, due to having different hormones and such.) lead me to thinking about the ideas of femininity and masculinity. I’ve never discussed it with a ‘true feminist’ or researched their opinions on the matter, but it seems that feminists are all about women (and, for that matter, men with masculinity) not having to conform to typical gender stereotypes to be considered feminine. By which I mean, they want women to be thought of as feminine even if they have short hair, never wear a skirt and detest the colour pink.

I agree wholeheartedly – seriously, the idea that all girls must love pink is so ridiculous that you’d hardly believe it if it weren’t such a common element of our society in regards to treatment of girls and boys. However…I do wonder, if we’re not going to stick to stereotypes, how exactly we will define femininity. Is it something that all women have automatically simply because they are, in fact, female? That doesn’t seem right to me. Looking feminine is a particular style, a broad one encompassing both pretty pink laced-trimmed shirtwaisters and slinky red velvet evening gowns that cling to a woman’s curves, and lots more in between. What it doesn’t include, however, is jeans and a flannel shirt and boots. That is not to say that women can’t look just as great in that outfit, but it shouldn’t be considered feminine. Surely we can agree on that?

Perhaps what we should be doing instead of saying that women should be considered feminine without conforming to stereotypes is suggesting that women should be considered beautiful and in general fantastic (both physically and mentally or spiritually)…without having to bear any stigma for not being feminine, if they choose not to be.

(For all I know this is what all the in-the-know feminists are actually suggesting, I wouldn’t know. As I mentioned, I’ve only recently begun investigating this on a deeper level than ‘Dude, women are epic, and so are guys.’)

So – being feminine should be like being retro or hipster or vintage or whatever other styles are popular right now. Something you can do if you want, all the time or just sometimes if you wish, in your own way, without being attacked for being too girly, or too butch, or too anything.

Freedom of expression, isn’t that what it’s all about? Let women wear what they want and if they want to conform to stereotypes, that’s cool, but if they don’t, that’s cool too.

I Know It’s Not My Entire Self-Worth But I Still Value My Appearance, And I’m Sick Of Being Ashamed Of My Mostly-Nonexistent Fat. Dammnit, Society.

So. Today I really want to just write a little about a problem that causes me a lot of stress, as a teen girl and all that.

It’s a little thing called Body Image.

I don’t want to be sexist because I know that guys struggle with it too, sometimes in different ways, but still legitimately, but obviously it is an issue that tends to affect girls, a lot.

I am slim. Skinny, even, if you ask some. I’m incredibly lucky – I mean, my diet has lots of chocolate and ice cream in it and I do no more exercise than running upstairs when overly excited, and the bare minimum I have to do at school each week. So, compared to lots of other girls, I feel really blessed to have such a ‘good body’.

But I hate my stomach with such an overwhelming passion. I’ve mentioned this in previous posts – most of my excess fat is all concentrated in my abdominal area, or, basically, I have a flabby stomach and no perfectly toned abs.

Anyway, sometimes I admit to people that I feel fat, and they tell me ‘Don’t be an idiot, you’re so skinny.’ That’s great, it makes me feel good. Me? Skinny? Yes! I have achieved that coveted goal, of skinniness. Three cheers and huzzah!

Then I think: wait. No. They don’t understand. They can’t see my stomach. I never show it, if I can help it, so people don’t know I have a flabby stomach, so they think I’m skinny. That’s great, but I want to be able to wear what I want (aka, swimsuits) and not worry that I’m exposing my secret fatness, that now everyone will revise their opinions of my figure.

Really, being told I’m skinny doesn’t help. Because it rings false in my ears: they’ve never seen my actual figure, not really, I’ve never dared wear a swimsuit in front of anyone I know but my best friend (who is significantly larger than me anyway) and close family.

You know what would be a million times more helpful? “Sure, you don’t have abs but you’re still slim and attractive ANYWAY. Despite the slight flabbiness.”

Obviously, that’s a little cheesy-sounding, but that’s the way such comments must be. And yes, I am aware that this entire post may sound as though I’m just fishing for more precise, accurate compliments on my supposed slimness and good looks, but honestly, it’s not really about that.

My point is: our method of making people feel better about themselves should NOT be these pointless white lies. No, we are not all super skinny. Fact. But then again – do men (or of course bi/gay women) really find a soft plump stomach THAT repulsive? I think not.

I know I’m just one of a million voices saying ‘Please can we stop with this whole myth that men only like super skinny women.’ But seriously. Can we? I am so sick and tired of feeling like a bloated whale because of my stomach. I feel like I’m pregnant or something, like this mound of flesh above my hips must be garishly visible to all around me and serve as a beacon light of unattractiveness. And that makes me angry. I should not be caring so much about what people think of my looks, it’s true. I know that, you know that, we all know it. But the fact of the matter remains, I will still care about how I perceive myself!

No matter how often we are reminded that we should not measure our self-worth by how pretty men find us, a) People totally do still rate each other by their appearance and it’s just really really hard to rise above all that and be one of the few saying ‘No, I shan’t give in to this stupid, outdated tradition.’ Our society needs to change, that much is obvious, but being the lone girl in any given situation refusing to care about her looks is ridiculously difficult, because we can’t control other people – we can’t make THEM not judge us on our appearance, no matter how much we don’t do it ourselves.

And b), should our appearance not be something we prize? Everyone says that it should be our brain power that counts, or our feelings and emotions, all those things that make us ‘who we are’. But in my opinion, your appearance is still something you can be proud of – it just shouldn’t be something you’re altering drastically to please either yourself or others.

Think of physical beauty as being like a talent – some people are really great musicians, naturally. We applaud them and encourage them to share their talent with the world, we give them compliments – ‘How wonderful is Louise on the flute? She’s amazing!’ But we don’t judge others because they CAN’T play music so fantastically – nobody says ‘No, Carol, we won’t listen to you because you suck at violin.’ So should we not treat beauty as a talent?

In any case, whether or not you agree with me, I feel I have the right to make my own decisions about how much I value my appearance. And I would like to look and feel good, just like anyone would, just like I would also like to be a talented musician. And, if beauty is such a subjective thing anyway – beauty is in the eye of the beholder – why is it that I automatically dismiss my body as ‘ruined’ by the horrendous bulge in my waistline? It’s such a slight bulge, my body is otherwise quite great, yet still I am stuck on the issue of my fat stomach.

I don’t want to stand for it any longer. I want to say ‘No! Screw this. My stomach isn’t perfectly flat, but it doesn’t ruin my figure either. Guys can – and presumably will – still think I’m totally sexy or cute or hot or beautiful or pretty, even though I have a bit of flab on my stomach.’ And maybe one day I will. Right now, it’s hard, but I’m trying to get there.

I already know my value is not dictated by my size or looks, but that doesn’t mean I don’t value being thought of as attractive. And I should still be able to achieve that.

 

Everyday Sexism: The Effects of Following It on Twitter

Wow. Just, wow. How long has it been since I wrote a post? A month? And before I’d have double-daily updates.

Anyway.

I’ve been reading a whole lot about two main issues lately – sexism and racism. This is because of the Boston Marathon Bombings, and because it was the birthday of Everyday Sexism, an awesome Twitter account dedicated to collecting examples of sexism from around the world, from both men and women, whether about rape, or just hurtful comments and the like. It’s definitely worth a follow, as it’s an incredible eye opener to what actually happens in our world.

It’s easy to kind of think that sexism isn’t such a problem anymore because, hey, look, we HAVE made advances, women wear trousers now! And they can have any job they want! Wooo!!!

But the truth is that if you look a little closer, it’s obviously not true. Women in traditionally masculine lines of work are still uncommon, or insulted, or just…well, think about it. How many women tradies do you see? Plumbers and the like? Maybe that IS just because women don’t feel like becoming mechanics or electricians, or maybe it’s because they’re still laughed at if they dare say they want to be one. 

It might not be so obvious as that – sure, they’ll get an apprenticeship or whatever,  that kind of blatant sexism is harder and harder to get away with these days. But odds on, the people she works with – that is to say, the guys she works with – won’t support her choices fully, they’ll make fun of her for being female. ‘Go make the sandwiches, love.’ Or much more degrading things, perhaps suggestions that she should be the group’s shared sex toy or other horrific things. (There are so many examples of this happening, it’s sickening.) 

And the women will do it too. ‘She’ll never find a husband, that one.’ ‘Men don’t like a woman to be doing their jobs.’ As if the poor girl would even want to marry someone who cared so much that she was a plumber! Even worse, women start to act as though something is wrong with the woman for being ‘masculine’ – they say she’s a disgrace to her own sex, or imply that the reason she decides to pursue such a career choice is that there is something inherently lacking in her, like no true normal woman could ever want to do a job like that.

Awful, don’t you think?

I mean, I’m all for being ladylike. In fact, it’s kinda on the top of my list in ‘desirable traits for myself’. Well, near the top, anyway. My mother has always raised me to be feminine and ladylike. And I appreciate that, I really do, I think it’s important and I would definitely teach my own children to show the same quality.

But having said that, she never stopped me from climbing trees as much as I wanted, or playing at knights and wizards with my older brother. She just insisted I wear pants if I was doing that, because hanging upside-down from tree limbs is rather unladylike in skirts. And if we were going somewhere nice, I had to wear something nice – often a skirt, true, kind of mostly because lots of my pants were jeans and sweatpants type things, perfect for playing and climbing and such. 

My point is, femininity and being ladylike are good things, and perfectly achievable by women who have typically masculine jobs or likes or hobbies or whatever else. You can be a mechanic, and wear greasy overalls, and be feminine, and ladylike. Or you can be feminine and ladylike in soft wool dress and pearls and heels, being fancy secretary or something else suitably womanly. A nurse, perhaps. 

****Begin self-explanatory section no longer particularly relevant to sexism****

I would dearly like to delve into the issue of vulgarity and femininity, and masculinity, but then again, there are a number of issues I want to address, and have been wanting to for some time, ever since I started following Everyday Sexism and formulating my own slightly more complex ideas and opinions about sexuality and equality and the like. 

You see, I’ve realised that there are a lot of issues in the world, like sexism, and they’re all hopelessly complex and as a 15 year old I am rather hard pressed to understand it all. My opinions on the matter are kind of…dumb, poorly thought out, uninformed, biased – in short, the product of an immature teenager’s mind. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try and find out more about these issues, even if I don’t quite ‘get’ all of it. So that’s what I’m going to do – only, I have to remember that as a 15 year old, no one expects me to be able to offer a valid opinion on all these issues, so it’s kind of…OK if I don’t champion every issue in the world. As in, obviously I care that racism exists – I mentioned at the start of this post that I’d been reading about it recently, after this whole ‘white terrorist’ thing with the Boston bombing and the Chechnan brothers apparently responsible for it. But I don’t have to keep reassuring people that I am, and seeking ways to make myself heard – there are lots of people doing that already, who people will listen to more than me anyway. And I do kinda have to remember to keep my own sanity and focus on schoolwork and relationships and boring stuff like that, sometimes, or I get seriously…upset. And that’s not good. 

Anyway, that’s just my two cent’s worth, of course – I hope to write some more about sexism and my views on it soon, but I’m notoriously bad at keeping my promises to myself, even! 

Letter-writing is normal and totally counts as writing practice. Which I desperately lack. Halp, I’m not Terry Pratchett!

My dears, I’ve been doing it again, that thing where I don’t write at all because I’m so incredibly tired all the time, and it’s all very well and good to get enough sleep for once but it certainly messes up my feelings of self-satisfaction and success.

It’s really frustrating me that I can’t write like Terry Pratchett because, um, wow his books are AMAZING and I love them. And it’s not like I’ve actually even tried to write a single word of fiction in like, a whole fortnight – does that mean I’m not a serious writer? I can’t tell. I had ideas and thoughts and stories and words running through my head the whole time like usual, I just never sat down sometime and let them run out.

You know, I was going to write ‘pour onto the page’ but it occurred to me that they don’t, really. I mean, sometimes, yes, the right words flow and it’s all lovely and easy but there’s a lot of hard ugh-just-write-it-already kind of work in between. Maybe because I’m not a great writer, or maybe that’s normal. I don’t know. I don’t know these things, remember? I’m only 15.

Because in case you couldn’t tell, I did it again, that thing where I hate on myself for not having really written yet? But I’m only 15? And yes yes yes I know talent should probably be showing itself early and all that, but hey, I’ve been attempting to write epic sagas since I was about 10 years old, so surely that counts for something, and I’ve been, like, learning things and stuff. You know, like students are supposed to. Or so I hear.

Wow, I just really cannot get over the sneaky realism of Pratchett’s writing – that’s what makes it so fantastic, isn’t it? It’s really hard to do, by the way. To just sit down and say “I will write a witty insight on society and weave it carefully within the fabric of a fictional tale.”

And I can’t do it, because it’s hard, and I get angry at myself because of that, and NO, that’s not right, I shouldn’t be getting angry, that’s dumb. I should go learn French and chemistry and be happy enough with that, because let’s face it, most other teenagers aren’t doing any more than their homework and whatever they feel like – reading, watching TV, playing video games. So me reading all day is good. Or me talking with my family. Or watching French TV.

I need to learn to calm down and RELAX about being lazy again. I was so good at this last year, how have I managed to forget? I was the Queen of justifying doing absolutely nothing all day but idly pleasing myself. And the years before that – countless books read, countless hours spent on Neopets and Runescape and even Egg Cave. But this year? 2013, aka the year I can’t relax and do nothing without hating myself for it? How dumb is that? Very dumb, in case you needed to be told. I should hope not. Anyway. I really must stop letting dumb things like that get to me.

OK, so I wrote a nice blog post today. Does that count as fulfilling my quota of writing for the day, or do I have to include fictional, or do I have to work through the backlog of you’ve-not-written-anything-since-last-weekend guilt? I did write long emails though guys. That counts for something, right? It totally should. Someone, quick, go explore the benefits of letter-writing vs. fiction vs. blogging. It would be much appreciated if the results were to show something along the lines of ‘why yes indeed, writing letters totally exercises the parts of your brain wired for blogging and novel-writing, and improves your ability in those areas, way to go’.

If this is impossible (due to, y’know, it not being true or whatever) then, I don’t know, just hug me lots and tell me I’m pretty and that yes, of course I’m a good writer, not to worry, every word I type is a masterpiece in itself…

(Hey. Hyperbole is appreciated, is all I’m saying. Just so long as it’s hyperbole that emphasizes my good qualities, few though they may be.)